Suicide
April 21, 2008I have an intrinsic fear of the concept of suicide. The whole idea frightens me so much, it even makes me panic a little bit. The idea that someone can be so deep in a pit that he’s willing to take his own life seems so unreal to me I simply cannot imagine it. I start locking up, and feel all uncomfortable and uneasy for days.
Last Saturday, when my bestest best friend Renate and I had one of our meet ups at my place (think us making fun of one another, watching TV, having deep conversations until deep in the night), one of our talks was about suicide. I explained to her the whole idea makes me sick to my stomach, how I find it highly unnerving, and how it makes me feel very scared and upset.
You know, it might have to do with the fact that I discovered my brother’s suicide note when I was 10 years old. THANKS FOR THAT ONE, ASSHOLE.
Does this mean you haven’t contemplated committing suicide at least once?
I think it’s everybody’s right to say, “Sorry, folks, I don’t like this game so I stop playing.”
You know, not out of a whim just because you’re currently losing.
But if someone, after careful consideration, chooses this way you have to respect that.
Like “Friends, I’ve really tried to like this game and I know you’ll be sad but it’s my choice and please respect that.”
A friend is a friend and not a pet.
Not being aware of this choice makes life less valuable, less special.
You know, every second _I_ choose to live, not for someone else but because _I_ want to and I’ll quit when I damn well please.
(Or sooner in case of an accident or illness - that goes without saying)
PS:
In case you were wondering, I’m not going to kill myself anytime soon.
On the contrary, having thought about this in a clear state of mind I feel I’m less likely to make any rash decisions.
PPS:
I’ve never found a suicide note so I obviously have a “slightly” different perspective on this matter.
Comment by RandomGuy — April 22, 2008 @ 12:50 am
I’ve been down that road myself, losing my brother to suicide. It hurts like hell, and it’s so difficult to comprehend how someone so intelligent, so loving, so in touch with people could make such a final decision. My little brother was the man I should have been in many ways. He was clinically depressed though, and by the time the family discovered it, he had shot himself in the head in my parents’ house at 27 years old. I wondered at times over the past couple of years if he thought about the impact it would have on us, and if he cared. I can’t imagine him not caring; he loved all of us more than anything in the world, so I must believe that he was not mentally stable enough to think about those consequences.
To this day, seeing suicide depicted on television or talked about on the radio or by coworkers will either make me very angry, or make me cry. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to think about the word without my brother’s face floating before my eyes. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
And yes Thom, I share your perception that it is so unreal to even think about, so unfathomable, that it makes me sick to ponder it as well. You’re not alone in that.
Comment by Morgan — April 22, 2008 @ 5:12 am
You know, it might have to do with the fact that I discovered my brother’s suicide note when I was 10 years old. THANKS FOR THAT ONE, ASSHOLE.
That’s horrible! No wonder you have traumas :(
On a more personal note..A friend of mine just told me a few days ago that a friend of his just did commit a suicide. I feel sorry for him :/ And…I have tried to commit it myself once..The reasons I shall not discuss publicly, though.
Comment by Nita — April 22, 2008 @ 9:57 am